Choosing your path to parenthood
There are a myriad of unique ways that LGBTQ+ people become parents. Two of the most common paths are adoption and pregnancy (typically through surrogacy, assisted reproduction, and/or insemination). None is preferable to the other — choice, opportunity, resources, and gut instinct will help you determine your best fit.
Having a genetic connection to your child
As you begin your path to parenthood, it’s important to consider whether you want a genetic connection to your child. If you do, you’re likely to pursue parenthood through pregnancy. This requires three key ingredients: viable sperm, a viable egg, and a viable uterus to carry the embryo to term.
Most LGBTQ+ couples do not have all three of those key ingredients. In this case, options for parenthood through pregnancy include assisted reproduction, surrogacy, or insemination. Your anatomy and health, and those of your partner, will determine which option is available for you.
Options if you have sperm and need an egg and a uterus
If you have sperm and need an egg and a uterus, you may consider the following paths to pregnancy.
An individual who carries a pregnancy for an intended parent or parents achieved by using the surrogate’s egg and a donor’s or intended parent’s sperm. Traditional surrogates have a genetic link to the baby or babies born as a result of the pregnancy.
An individual who carries a pregnancy for an intended parent or parents using a donated egg and a donor’s or intended parent’s sperm. Gestational surrogates do not have a genetic link to the baby or babies born as a result of the pregnancy.
If you’re pursuing a gestational carrier or surrogate, you will need to find an egg donor. Egg donors can be friends you know or individuals working with surrogacy agencies. At agencies, donors may either be open identity donors who donate their eggs with the intention of having their identity and contact information released to the child at the age of 18 or unknown donors who do not intend on meeting the child. In either case, collection of egg donations is a robust medical process that requires professionals.
Navigating the cost of surrogacy
Many LGBTQ+ couples pursuing surrogacy need both an egg donor and a surrogate. In this case, experts estimate that the entire process will cost between $200,000 and $250,000. While this is certainly a high figure, this estimate often covers a wide variety of costs, and there are ways to offset the costs.
Options if you have eggs and a uterus and need sperm
If you have eggs and a uterus, and you need sperm, you may consider some or all of the following paths to pregnancy.
If you’re pursuing pregnancy through at-home insemination or IVF, you will likely need a sperm donor. Sperm donors can be friends in your network or individuals working with sperm banks. At a sperm bank, donors may either be open identity donors who donate their eggs with the intention of having their identity and contact information released to the child at the age of 18 or unknown donors who do not intend on meeting the child. Unlike egg donation, sperm donation is non-invasive and does not typically require a medical professional.
If you want to explore getting pregnant at home, there are two primary methods of insemination: IVI, when the donor sperm is deposited into the vaginal canal without specifically targeting the cervix and ICI, when the donor sperm is deposited at or near the cervical opening. Both are non-surgical and minimally invasive. They can be done at home without medical providers through needleless syringes, cervical caps, and/or the help of a midwife or nurse practitioner. In both cases, this is best done with fresh sperm from a partner or donor.
A procedure that involves placing the sperm via a tube directly into an individual’s uterus to facilitate fertilization. The sperm can come from a partner or a donor and is performed by medical professionals.
A procedure that involves removing eggs from an individual’s ovaries and fertilizing them outside of the body with sperm in a laboratory dish. The resulting embryos are then transferred into a uterus through the cervix. IVF can also be utilized in conjunction with donor eggs or donor embryos.
Sometimes referred to as “co-maternity,” couples where both individuals have a uterus and/or eggs may choose to retrieve the eggs from one partner, inseminate those eggs with donor sperm and then have the resulting embryo(s) placed into the other partner.
Welcoming a child to your family through adoption
Another common path to parenthood for LGBTQ+ people is adoption. In fact, married, same-sex couples with children are approximately eight times more likely than different sex couples with children to have fostered or adopted children.
Like expanding your family through pregnancy, there are a lot of different paths that adoption might take. The path that’s right for you depends on several factors including, but not limited to, need, cost, preference, and more. Common adoption paths include:
- Private adoption (domestic): There are two types of private adoption within the United States.
- Agency adoption: Agency adoption occurs when a private, licensed agency handles the adoption often for the purpose of adopting an infant outside of the foster care system. The government does not sponsor a private agency, but the agency must meet state requirements to obtain and keep its licensed status.
- Adoption through an independent attorney: Independent adoption refers to a type of adoption whereby the adopting parent works directly with an attorney throughout the adoption process instead of with an adoption agency.
- International adoption: International adoption is any adoption occurring when the child and the adoptive parents are from two different countries. You will need to perform extra legal work through immigration services to authorize an international adoption. It is important to note that not all countries will allow same-sex couples or transgender people to adopt.
As many adoptive parents know, expanding your family through this path requires patience, positivity, and moxie. Finding ways to nurture resilience is paramount.
Identifying affirming agencies
Unfortunately, your adoption process might be influenced by your family structure. If you’re considering adoption to expand your family, it’s important for LGBTQ+ people to think about whether the agencies in their area will accept and affirm them. The good news is that we have a guide for that!
Understanding what it means to be a foster parent
Many prospective parents consider becoming a foster parent. If this something you’re thinking about, it’s important to understand foster care’s ultimate goal. The main objective for foster care is to reunite children with their families of origin — not to have parents adopt children in care.
Foster care provides a respite for parents who may need it for a variety of reasons including but not limited to needing education on how to better support their children, getting sober, incarceration, establishing a safe home for their children,and more. Foster care also provides children with a safe place to live and resources to survive while they are away from their family of origin. But again, the ultimate goal is to reunite these children with their birth parents or families of origin.
The role of the foster parent, then, is to provide a safe and loving environment for a child who needs it.
Within foster care, there are a few additional paths or placement options. The first, and most preferred method, is kinship care. In a kinship care placement, the care is provided by a relative, stepparent, or other responsible adult with a tie to the child or a family relationship with the child’s parent(s) prior to the child’s entry into the formal foster care system.
Another path that exists within the foster care system is foster-to-adopt. When diligent attempts at reunification fail, foster parents may adopt a child currently placed in their home. We call this foster-to-adopt. The general definition varies from community to community, but it typically involves adopting a child who is in foster care upon entering the caregiver’s home. It requires the caregiver to be a licensed foster parent who has completed or is in the process of completing an approved adoption home study.
If this is a path you’re considering, know that the laws surrounding LGBTQ+ discrimination in adoption and foster care varies by state.
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