What’s it like to be a queer mom raising a son in America today? To answer this question and more, Family Equality sat down with the contributors of Boyhood Reimagined: Stories of Queer Moms Raising Sons. Together, we discussed the joys and challenges of trying to raise sons with healthy relationships to gender and masculinity amidst accelerating challenges to LGBTQ+ families.

We’re all familiar with the old adage, “It takes a village to raise a child.” For the moms who contributed to Boyhood Reimagined this is especially true — for better and for worse! 

In our discussion, Katherine shared that the first thing her stepfather said to her when she had her first son was, “Well, who are the men going to be in his life? How is he going to become a man without men?”

Katherine notes that there’s a pressure to provide a conscious model of genders that might not be represented by the parents in a child’s home. Marie agreed. She shared that because so much of her life consisted of women, she was worried about finding positive examples of masculinity for her son to learn from. But, fifteen years later, she’s seen that her son finds those models organically in his own life. For June, who raised her sons in the 1970s and 1980s, facilitating these connections felt especially important. “I do feel like there are lots of different ways that boys can have men in their lives,” she said. “And it doesn’t have to be a dad. It doesn’t have to be in a more conventional way.” 

Of course, one of the challenges of raising children in the proverbial “village” is that there comes a time when they must experience the world by themselves. From the internet to the kids on the playground, parents can’t control the messages that young people receive every day. How do the contributors to Boyhood Reimagined navigate the gap between what they’ve taught their sons and what society teaches them? 

As tempting as it is to push back against every instance of negative messaging, Lalita acknowledges that this strategy became adversarial quickly. “It was really about modeling and deconstructing…almost like talking and processing stuff out loud so that [my son] saw another way of thinking about things and looking at things.” 

They say as much as feminist parenting is about countering popular messaging about gender and masculinity, “ultimately, he’s his own person. I gave birth to him to be his own person.” 

“We as mothers, as parents, give [our children] whatever we have to give,” added June. “And then they live their own lives, and we have to let go of them to do that and love them.” 

This can feel scary — but it is also what makes parenting so special. “I think this idea of nurturing [your children’s] freedom is the scariest part of love, and I think it’s the most powerful part of love,” said Gail. 

She also suggested adding a few tools to the parenting tool belt.

First, empathy. “What I’m able to do is really deeply respond to [my son] in his vulnerable moments when he feels othered…And then, when something’s going on later that is sort of demonstrative of toxic masculinity, I can pull his attention back to that moment and say, ‘Remember when you had that fight with your gaming friends, and they left you out? That’s kind of what I’m experiencing right now…’”

Curiosity is another way to push the needle forward. Both Gail and Marie discussed the importance of asking questions: What makes you want to do this? What do you love about that? What are you getting from this? Why do you think this? 

Leading with curiosity and conversation is a way to not only get your children to think about their actions, behaviors, and environment but also to create connection and trust. 

In fact, trust was a central theme throughout much of the book and discussion. When one attendee shared that her son recently hid the fact that he had two moms from his college friends, many of the panelists advised the attendee to trust — trust their own parenting skills; trust that in time, their child will figure it out; and trust that if something is wrong, their child will come to them to talk about it.

The panel ended with each contributor sharing what they’ve learned from parenting sons. For many, parenting has shown them the best of themselves, like humor, creativity, and confidence. It also put a mirror up to the less positive parts of themselves, like insecurity or impatience. 

Yet, despite the many obstacles and challenges the panel discussed throughout the event, parenting boils down to a few very simple truths: “[Parenting] showed me that weirdly, being a good mom is not that hard,” said Lalita. “I think we’re so scared of it, but you just kind of have to be yourself…and to love them hard.”  

And this work, as hard as it is, is worth it. “My son’s opened my heart to love in a way I have never loved before and never felt loved,” said June. “And that just transformed my life.” 

Purchase Boyhood Reimagined: Stories of Queer Moms Raising Sons from the publisher, Motina Books, today!