At its most basic level, language is humanity’s way of feebly attempting to describe the wonders of life, the universe, and what many would describe as “the divine.” With all of its imperfections, language often fails us and we are continuously tasked with creating new words, new meanings, and new understandings in an attempt to better understand our lives and our identities. Many of us in the LGBTQ+ community have experienced the profound relief that comes when you finally discover a word that describes you and your life. 

At the same time, words can be either a gift or used as a weapon. Take the word “queer,” for example. Over time, it has evolved to describe any sexuality and/or gender that falls outside of the “norm”. And, like language often does, it became increasingly complicated as the world continued to change. The word queer can (and has) been weaponized to remind us that we are not “just like everyone else” – meaning a husband and a wife with 2.5 children, a picket fence, and a dog. 

And just as we should consider the hurtful impact it has had on members of our community, it’s also important to remember that queerness provides an affirming home for others. There is immense beauty in the ways that the word queer encourages us to reimagine ourselves and our families in limitless ways. Inherent in the term is the ambiguity, the undefinable reality that our sexuality and our gender is often messy. That, whether we like it or not, is political. It’s complicated because our lives are complicated. 

“Gay” is a word often associated with happiness, and it’s a reminder that happiness is found in the ability to be our authentic selves, unafraid to love who we love. It has also been weaponized. The ever present remark still echoing in school hallways (that’s so gay!”) is a reminder that being gay is viewed by some as bad, wrong, stupid, and silly. And yet, many of us love the term gay, identify as gay, and revel in the joy of being gay.

Whatever terms we use to describe who we are, the reality is our fight for equality is inextricably linked. Almost every member of our community has at one point or another been told they are “too gay,” “too femme, “too butch,” “too flamboyant,” “too masculine,” or just “too much.” The reality is, who we are will always be “too much”  to someone who does not see our humanity, our joy, and our love.

We see it with our families all the time. “I don’t mind that they are gay, but do they have to kiss each other goodbye in front of me?!” “I get that they are lesbians, but it is inappropriate to hold hands on the school fieldtrip!” “I don’t have an issue with transgender people, I just don’t want my kids to visit their house!” Our families are ostracized, ridiculed, taunted, and excluded simply for being themselves. It does not matter if you have brown hair or purple hair, if you have a string of pearls or a nose piercing, or if you are gay or queer; someone will view you, your family, or your life as “too much” and hate you for it.

Focusing the conversation around questioning if gay and queer people should be in the same community evokes the same conversation we continue to have about our community including both sexual orientation and gender identity. And yet again, the fight for equality for gay and lesbian and bisexual people is inextricably tied to the fight for equality for transgender and nonbinary people. LGB people are targeted for engaging in same-sex public displays of affection and yet we are also targeted for our gender expression and being viewed as outside the norm. In fact, what could be more outside the norm than loving someone of the same gender or loving more than one gender? Our fight is linked not simply because transgender and nonbinary people have fought for us all often on the front lines, but because we are collectively viewed as “too much.” 

The fertility journey of non-heterosexual couples is affirming care that allows us to welcome children into our loving families. It acknowledges the limitations of our bodies and gives us tools to affirm our relationships as parents. The medical interventions some transgender and nonbinary people seek out and undergo is gender affirming care that allows us to be our authentic selves. For many, it acknowledges changes we would like to see in our bodies and gives us tools to affirm our identities as the gender we are. We must fight for all affirming care, all families, and all our identities together. 

At Family Equality we have a simple mission, to ensure that everyone has the freedom to find, form, and sustain their families. And we do that by advancing equality for the LGBTQ+ community. Because we believe in fighting for our community (from the L to the Q and every letter in between and beyond) we are in fact fighting for everyone to experience the joys of family. So, as our community continues to grapple with what words best describe the indescribable wonders of the human experience, know that you have a home; know that you have a family; with us. 

We are gay AND queer, and yes, it matters.