Introduction

Perhaps this role feels exciting! By talking with our children about sex, we have the opportunity to right the wrongs of the past. We can give our children all the messages we wish we’d had growing up! But, it can also feel daunting. How are we supposed to know what to say, and when? Many of us are on our own journeys of learning (and healing) and don’t feel like we have all the answers.

Luckily, we don’t have to have all the answers to do a great job teaching our children about sexuality. Here are some highly effective and very approachable tips to get you started talking with your children about sex.

First, take a moment to recognize all the different topics that fit under the umbrella of “sexuality”:

The part of “sex ed” that most folks get nervous about is “How am I going to explain to my kid how people have sex?” But, that is only one tiny piece of the puzzle. By talking frequently about all these topics, we paint a fuller picture of human bodies and relationships. So, the actual “having sex” part feels much more approachable.

The best time to start talking about sex is now, regardless of how old your kids are. As a matter of fact, the younger kids are, the less aware they are that sex could be an uncomfortable topic. This is a “rolling stone gathers no moss” situation! Begin talking about sex by teaching about bodies and sexuality as early as possible. That way, the whole family can develop a natural comfort around the topic. Moreover, this establishes open lines of communication that we can nurture and maintain over the coming years. Whatever age your kids are, talking about sex now will make it easier to talk again next time. And the time after that, and the time after that. You’ll be so glad you did!

You probably won’t! You are far more likely to say too little too late. Generally speaking, when adults recall their sex education, problems came from what was left unsaid and what they were unprepared for. Do your best to explain concepts simply and at a level that feels appropriate for your kids. If they aren’t developmentally ready for it, it will likely go over their heads. But at least you practiced saying it out loud! You’ll be even more prepared next time you visit the topic.

When we are concerned about how to explain something uncomfortable or complex, we can overthink it so much that we put it off for too long. Sometimes, we never actually talk about it at all! Understandably, these topics can feel high stakes. We don’t want to “mess up.”

The good news? It is okay to not know how to explain something eloquently. Young people will not remember the exact sentence you say. They will remember how they felt during the conversation. The goal is to create relaxed, positive vibes, demonstrating that these conversations are welcome and encouraged. Show your kids that they will be listened to and treated with respect—not shamed or shut-down—when something sexual comes up.

Kids might assume a topic will be embarrassing. They may expect to be told they are “too young” or “shouldn’t be thinking about that.” After all, if a parent feels nervous, our body language and voices can take on a stiff tone that can feel intimidating to a young person. As a result, they might even think they are getting in trouble.

Take a moment to be extra aware of how you are coming across when you’re talking about sex. Set your kids (and yourself) at ease. Intentionally relax your shoulders. Smile. Wrap your kid in your arms (if they like that sort of thing) or invite them to join you under a cozy blanket on the couch. Do whatever feels connecting and sets a positive tone. Offer lots of affirmations, like “I’m really glad we’re talking about this” or “Wow, that is such a great question!” to help your child feel that this is overall a positive experience.

If you don’t know how to explain something, you can be transparent about that. Then, show them that you are committed to figuring it out. “To be honest, I’ve never tried to put that into words before! Let me see if I can explain it.” (Smile! Use a soft, encouraging voice! Make them a hot chocolate while you do your best! Giggle together!) If you end the conversation on a positive note, they will be open to more future conversations. And then, you’ll get to refine your message over time.

Use both words! Don’t overthink it! It is okay if your kid doesn’t totally understand the difference between them, just smile while you talk about all their body parts and they will learn that their bodies are nothing to be ashamed of. If the topic feels approachable, you can count on having plenty more conversation down the road to build their understanding.

So, the tips listed above are all going to be helpful. But, you still might be wondering about the part where we tell kids about actual sex. Here’s a guideline that might be helpful: it is always okay for kids of any age to understand body parts and their functions. But, it is never okay to share pornographic materials with them.

In practical application, try to explain things honestly in plain and basic language. Don’t go into tons of detail. Then, if they have follow-up questions that are more detailed, answer them.

Additionally, you may want to help kids understand that there are many ways people have sex, and the people who are doing it are the ones who decide what to do.

Specifically, recognize that sex and reproduction are two different things that often get conflated. Young kids asking about what sex means or where babies come from usually aren’t asking about the entire story at once. Instead, they are working to understand one piece at a time. Make sure you proactively provide info on both topics but feel free to take it in small chunks. If you are answering questions that they bring to you, focus your answer on the part they are actually asking, rather than trying to cover too much territory at once.

Ultimately, you, the parent, get to decide what messages you want to send. Just don’t overthink it. Make it positive. Start now!

Sex ed is a lifelong journey, and parents are sex educators!