To Have and To Hold
2025 marks the ten year anniversary of Obergefell v. Hodges, the Supreme Court case that granted marriage equality nationwide. Explore the history of marriage equality in the United States — and the role that LGBTQ+ families played in making it possible.
Change on the horizon
From the 1600s in southern China to Harlem in the 1930s, LGBTQ+ people have formed their own sacred, joyful unions for centuries. But, it’s not until the 1990s that activists begin to advocate for legally recognized same-sex marriage across the United States.
[My mom Terry] met my mom Jackie in 1995. They had a commitment ceremony in 1996, [and] they walked down the aisle to the theme song of Star Trek: Voyager. The joke I always tell there is to kind of “boldly go where no man had gone before.”
They wound up having a legal ceremony in 2009 [the year Iowa legalized same-sex marriage]…Then, they had a larger wedding in October of that year. It’s funny, my parents have three anniversaries, [but] the one that we always remember and celebrate is the day they had that commitment ceremony in ‘96. — Zach Wahls, Voices of Children amicus brief contributor and Iowa State Senator
While civil unions existed in many states at this time, the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act restricted federally recognized marriage to be only between a man and a woman. Without federal recognition, families were denied access to more than a thousand federal rights and responsibilities associated with the institution.
Dad, are we a family?
A four year-old to his hospitalized father after hearing staff say his other father could not sign documents because he was “not family.”
In 2003, Massachusetts blazes a trail as the first state to legalize same-sex marriage. Now, families like Malia and her wife can officially tie the knot in “the [place] where we first met and became college sweethearts.”
Malia’s story
After 18 years together, we had registered as domestic partners several times…but this time was the real deal. We brought our children (who were 2 and 3 years old at the time), invited siblings and grandparents, made lunch reservations at a toddler friendly restaurant, and gave each child a very important assignment: carrying our rings on colored ribbons around their wrists and giving them to the Justice of the Peace when asked.
Everyone was dressed up and on their best behavior, cameras at the ready. But at the crucial moment the 2 year old decided to play keep away and ran all around the courtroom with her ring on a ribbon, squealing in delight. After some chaos and cross-generational negotiations involving a lollipop bribe we got the ring back and were officially married.
Paving a patchwork of equality
Following Massachusetts’s lead, states from coast to coast begin striking down past bans and enshrining marriage equality into law. This means many families, like Russell’s and Payton’s, had to trek over state lines to secure the protections that come with marriage.
Russell’s story
Marriage equality was not the law of the land at the time, and we had to travel to New York City to get married…Our family and friends made the trek with us. It was magical.
[Later,] we petitioned Sandusky County to have our names legally changed to Exlos-Raber—a combination of his Greek heritage and my Swiss…Our lawyer skipped out of the courthouse as our petition was granted. We were the first same-sex couple in our area of Ohio to successfully take such a large step toward recognizing marriage in Ohio.
— Russell, Ohio
As amazing as the wedding was, it was still bittersweet.
We were hesitant to celebrate too much because we knew that the marriage would not be recognized in our home state of Idaho. It is just baffling to me that people fight so hard to deny something that brought our family so much joy.
Prop 8, Protests, and (Underwater) Proposals
In 2008, California achieved marriage equality—only to have it dismantled months later by Proposition 8, a ballot initiative that updated the state constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman.
After Prop 8 failed, Markie and Sarah, who had only been dating three months, went to a protest in Seattle. They landed on the cover of the Seattle Times, which is how they came out to their family. They officially got married in 2016, after an underwater proposal.
A few days before Halloween in 2008, Shawn and Gerald’s son came home from school and said, “A kid at school says that after the election, you can’t be my parents anymore.” October 31 was the last day the courthouse was open before the election, so Shawn and Gerald met at his lunch hour and exchanged rings they bought at a swap meet the weekend before.
“When our son came home from school, we told him that no matter what happened, we were married and would always be his parents.”
Since then, they’ve had five more children and two granddaughters join their family.
Randall and James were married in May 2008 in Pasadena, California. On National Adoption Day in November of that year, they finalized the adoption of their three children at the Los Angeles Family County Courthouse. In the wake of Prop 8, they took their ten-month-old and three-month-old to join thousands in a march from Long Beach’s Belmont Shores to the downtown courthouse.
“This demonstration, a defiant stand against injustice, showcased our unwavering commitment to our family and the fight for equal rights. With our young children in tow, we illustrated the real-life impact of discriminatory legislation and the determination of families to be recognized and protected.”
In December 2012, with 71% of Americans living in a state that allowed same-sex couples to marry, the Supreme Court agreed to hear two landmark civil rights cases: Hollingsworth v. Perry and United States v. Windsor, challenging the legality of Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act respectively.
The voices of LGBTQ+ families
LGBTQ+ movement experts worked together to identify ways to further change the tide on marriage rights, and Family Equality got to work collecting stories from LGBTQ+ youth and families from across the country. Together with organizations like COLAGE and crucial legal support from Bryan Cave Leighton Paisner, we submitted an amicus brief called the Voices of Children.
There was this recognition that the compelling argument [was that] marriage equality benefited our kids.
It provided them legal protections. It made them understand that their families were real and mattered and were authentic.
Decision day
On June 26, 2015, the Supreme Court handed down a 5-4 decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, making marriage equality the law of the land and granting same-sex couples in all 50 states the right to full, equal recognition under the law. Again, Justice Kennedy references the Voices of Children brief in his opinion.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think this day would come.
In June of 2013, the Supreme Court opened the door for great optimism that this could happen. In 2014, our children…shared their voices in the Amicus Brief submitted to the 7th Circuit Court…On June 26 of this year, the Supreme Court once again affirmed that our relationship is just as important and just as valid as our non-LGBTQ+ counterparts…Our children were a part of this. Our friends’ children were a part of this, and because of their voices, their courage, and their bravery, we can get married today.
— Kim’s wedding vows
“After ten years and eight children, Obergefell meant we could replace our big stack of notarized documents with federal legal recognition for the family we’d worked so hard to build.”
Patrick knew he wanted to propose in Dominic in 2014, but they didn’t want to be in a marriage that could be invalidated simply by traveling to another state. When Obergefell v. Hodges passed the following year, Patrick asked Dominic’s parents for his hand in marriage, took Dominic out for their anniversary, and ended up outside the apartment where they shared their first kiss.
Patrick got down on one knee, and Dominic said yes. About a year later, they were married in Cape Cod and have since shared nine happy years together in New York, Rhode Island, and now Los Angeles.
“We were lucky enough to come of age just as marriage equality became the law of the land — something we don’t take lightly. Thanks to the tireless work of all who came before us, we got engaged, planned a wedding, and got married with the same rights, trials and tribulations, and joy as our heterosexual friends.”
After seven years of dating, Melissa and her wife had their dream wedding at Red Maple Vineyard in 2016 surrounded by family and friends. Now, almost nine years (and three kids!) later, “we still count it as one of the best days of our life.”
When Wallie came out, his parents wrote off any future where he could get married and have kids. But, in 2021, Wallie and his husband, James, crossed the US/Canada border at the height of the Omicron COVID-19 wave for their wedding reception. They would get legally wedded in January 2022 in Los Angeles.
Looking ahead
In the immediate aftermath of the Obergefell decision, Family Equality continued to submit briefs in cases around anti-marriage equality laws as well as adoption and birth certificate issues.
In 2022, the Supreme Court overturned Roe v Wade and, with it, almost half a century of precedent. In addition to eliminating the fundamental right to abortion, the language in the opinion signaled looming threats to other freedoms, such as marriage and relationships. Months after this decision, the LGBTQ+ movement mobilized to push forward the Respect for Marriage Act, a bipartisan law that formally repealed the unconstitutional Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), ensuring that federal law continues to recognize marriage equality and requiring states to give full faith and credit to any valid marriage.
I think people are just really frightened now in a way that they weren’t before.
There was a kind of a little bit more of a celebratory aura around same-sex marriage, and now [getting married is about making] sure you have your ducks in a row.
Today, our families continue to face overwhelming threats to our freedoms. Last year alone, we witnessed more than 550 anti-LGBTQ+ bills introduced in states across the country—many targeting LGBTQ+ youth and families in particular. Now, we’re fighting for access to life-saving healthcare and the right to safety, authenticity, and well-being particularly for our transgender siblings. In short: Our work is far from over.
The story of marriage equality isn’t just a story of white dresses, rainbow signs, and golden rings. It’s a reminder that as much as our history rests on the shoulders of many brave and powerful LGBTQ+ icons — it’s also the direct result of everyday families who spoke up and advocated for what was right. From Zach’s testimony before the Iowa legislature to Markie and Sarah’s date at the Proposition 8 protest, everyone’s story has the power to create real, meaningful change in the movement for equality.
It starts with you, and it starts now.
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